How to discuss health care and end-of-life wishes during the holidays

This article was originally published November 23, 2016 and updated in November 2023 and again in November 2025

"Who wants dark meat?"

"Can I have the mashed potatoes, please?"

"Care for some more pie?"

"If you got seriously sick or hurt, who should your doctors work with to make important decisions about your care?"

You might expect to hear three out of those four questions in the next few weeks as the holiday season swings into full gear.

But that fourth one? Not so much.

After all, who wants to think about picking a loved one to speak for you someday at the hospital if you can't speak for yourself? Who wants to dampen the festive spirit with a discussion of health care and end-of-life decisions?

But this time of year is, in fact, ideal to talk about these topics with your loved ones, says Phillip Rodgers, M.D., chair of the Department of Family Medicine at Michigan Medicine and an expert on end-of-life care.

Although it may be uncomfortable at first, prompting such conversations can help your family avoid hurt feelings, misunderstandings, strife and trauma that can erupt during a loved one's health crisis.

"It's important for people to make sure that we on their medical team understand what's most important to them in making health care decisions," Rodgers said. "We want to make sure everyone gets the best care possible, but we can only know what that means to an individual patient if we know what they want to achieve."

Which is why Rodgers and his Michigan Medicine colleagues have adapted an approach pioneered at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston to encourage people to start this kind of dialogue with family during the holidays.

He explained some of the key steps:

• Choose a patient advocate who will speak for you if you cannot. Every adult should have a patient advocate picked out and written down in his or her medical record. It doesn't matter if you're in perfect health. You could experience a health emergency — an auto accident next year, a serious illness next decade or dementia years from now — that leaves you unable to communicate.
• Pick the best candidate. It doesn't have to be your spouse, adult child or parent if you (or they) don't think it's a good idea. In Michigan, the law doesn't assume any particular person is your advocate; you need to spell it out. Otherwise, medical team members might start with whomever they think is closest to you — and that may not be the person you want. This can lead to strife and even legal action if family members disagree.
• Tell your advocate your goals, values and wishes. You don't have to specify exactly which treatments you'd want. In fact, Rodgers says, it's impossible to predict everything that might happen and what treatments might be available. But you can talk about what you value most and what kind of life would be acceptable to you after a health crisis. If you value living independently above all else, or having the ability to engage with and recognize other people, or being able to enjoy simple pleasures and activities, say so.
• Complete a durable power of attorney for health care form. It lists your patient advocate's name and contact information and other key details, including alternative advocates if your first choice isn't available. A recent report from the U-M National Poll on Healthy Aging showed that only 27% of people age 50 and older had completed a DPOA for health care.
  
  You can get the form online in a free booklet from Michigan Medicine that is designed to work under Michigan laws. It walks you through the steps of choosing and formally designating this Patient Advocate, and having that choice witnessed so it is legally binding as a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare, without needing an attorney or notary.
  
  AARP offers links to free forms for all states. Or you can get one from any health care provider.
  
  Once complete, bring it to your regular doctor or another health provider. Your insurance probably covers a discussion with your primary care doctor about advance care planning — Medicare and other plans offer payment for doctors create the time to talk about such things. Your provider can enter the data into your electronic medical record so other health providers can view it. More and more, these secure records are available electronically to hospitals and clinics in the same network or beyond through secure sharing.
• Spread the word. Let others know who your patient advocate is and that your choice is registered with your doctor.  Write it on a piece of paper to carry in your wallet or purse. That way, loved ones and emergency responders will know in advance whom to turn to in an emergency.